


Always

by Gayformarvel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Maria Hill Feels, Maria Hill needs a hug, Natasha Romanov Feels, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 17:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17585267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayformarvel/pseuds/Gayformarvel
Summary: Maria leaned forward, touching her forehead to the glass and letting her eyes flutter closed as the memories of her past flitted through her head. She raised her other hand to lay flat against the glass as well, longing to know what it feels like to stand in the rain again. This was the first time the skies had opened up since she had come home those few months prior.





	Always

Natasha stirred conscious to the gentle beats of rain against her fogged apartment window, a large pane of glass exposing the soft lights of the city in the early morning. She blinked slowly as she adjusted, her eyes automatically shifting to search the opposite side of the bed for the other woman. As she reached out to the vacant spot in their bed, her fingers gliding across the silk sheets, she could still feel the warmth of the body that was currently missing. She frowned into the dark, concern drifting over her features as she willed herself fully awake.

She sat up slowly and let the sheets pool around her bare torso, her skin shivering in contact with the cool air without the protection of her cocoon of warmth. Small bumps erupted over her exposed skin and an involuntary shiver rose up through her body. A glance over at the clock on the bedside table revealed that it was three thirty-six in the morning, far too early to be up and about. Never the less, Natasha untucked her legs from the covers and rose to her feet to snag her soft black robe from the door handle and she wrapped it tightly around her lithe frame. She padded silently out their bedroom door, slipped through the kitchen and into the living room that contained an even more scenic view than the bedroom.

She had a feeling she would find her here. She expected her to be fast asleep on the couch after another restless night of tossing and turning. She should be completely exhausted at this point, not roaming around their apartment through the dark.

 Maria had once told her that the bed was just too soft, it felt like she would fall right through it after sleeping on the ground for so long. Where she was stationed the only comfort at night was provided by hugging her rifle tight to her chest, maybe even a thin blanket if she was lucky.

 Instead Natasha had found Maria standing perfectly still directly in front of the huge window, staring longingly out into the dead hours of the city before them. A thin blanket was loosely wrapped around her shoulders, moving up and down slightly with each slow breath she took. Natasha stood still for a long moment, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist as she quietly watched her gaze off into the night.

 The city was dim and silent. Traffic almost non-existent and only a few lights were on, scattered around the surrounding apartment buildings. It was calming to see such a busy city so different, the once jammed streets now vacant and dark. The skyline was still pitch black creating a loom of peace over New York City.   

 Her trance was broken as she watched Maria reach out and lay her palm flat against the glass and take a step closer to look up at the sky. Her lean body pressed up against the chilled glass causing her to visibly shiver, but she didn’t mind. She was entranced by what was happening outside.

 It had been years. _Years._ Since she had felt the wetness of rain on her skin. The feeling of damp clothing clinging to her body and the heaviness of her soaked hair in the moist air outside. She wanted to walk out the door and splash droplets of water with each step she took, to look up into the clouds and let the rain cascade over her face.

 She wanted to know what it _feels_ like again.

 Back over there it had been so dry, and the sun beat down on her until the only moisture she could feel was the sweat coating the back of her neck. The sand used to burn in the midst of the day, heating up to a temperature so scorching even the street dogs would stay in the shade to avoid it. The gear only adding to the strain of it all, confining her to an eternal feeling of unescapable heat.

 Maria leaned forward, touching her forehead to the glass and letting her eyes flutter closed as the memories of her past flitted through her head. She raised her other hand to lay flat against the glass as well, longing to know what it feels like to stand in the rain again. This was the first time the skies had opened up since she had come home those few months prior.

 Natasha ached to wrap the woman in front of her in her arms and hold her until all her pain went away, but she knew that was never possible. She pushed herself away from the wall she was leaned against and made her way over to Maria slowly. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts, she hadn’t heard Natasha coming at all and flinched when arms gently snaked around her waist from behind. She started to panic, her eyes snapping open in alarm, but she willed her body to stay still, to calm herself and remember where she was. At home. Safe.

 Natasha felt the muscles beneath her fingers tense and still, locking up tightly and tremoring ever so slightly under her touch.

 “Masha…” she murmured into Maria’s ear from behind, “It’s me.”

 Maria relaxed slightly at the sound of her voice, drawing her forehead away from the glass to lean back into Natasha’s embrace without thought.

 Natasha flexed her arms around her, holding her securely against her front and propping her chin on top of Maria’s shoulder. She slowly inhaled to get a deep breath of Maria’s scent.

 Everyone has a defining scent, the kind of smell that coats their hoodies or the essence of their home, a whiff of something that brings comfort to another. Maria’s smell was like home to Natasha, it brought her comfort and calmed her nerves. She would often steal articles of clothing from Maria’s drawers, putting them on and feeling whole again when she snuggled into the warmth it provided. For a while, that scent was the only part left of Maria that she could hold on to, take with her everywhere she went.

 Having the real source in the arms leaning back against the warmth she provided was so much better than a worn old hoodie, not that she would ever give it back.

 Maria let out a shaky breath, finally letting her body fully relax and sinking back into Natasha so the other woman had to physically hold her up. She let herself be held and trusted Natasha not let her fall, to be her anchor and cling to when she couldn’t stay on her own two feet.

They stayed like that until Natasha could feel Maria shifting and squirming in her grip, twisting out of the embrace to lean her back against the glass and face her. She examined her girlfriend’s face closely taking in the dark bags and her toned skin. What worried her most of all was the tired emptiness of her storming blue eyes.  

 Natasha wordlessly brought her hands up to lovingly cup her face, making Maria exhale softly and lean into the warm hands as she closed her eyes in content. She stroked her thumb softly across her sharp cheekbones and waited for Maria to open her eyes again, letting her gaze fall to her lips. When she glanced back up to Maria’s captivating blue eyes, she was met with a warm and curious gaze.

 Natasha’s lips drew up slightly, feeling relieved and appeased by the soft smile greeting her. Maria’s happiness, even if only temporary, filled her with joy and ease.

 Natasha tipped her head forward, pressing a gentle kiss to the waiting lips in front of her. Maria glided her hands gently up the outside of Natasha’s thighs, settling them softly on her hips to hold her in place. Maria went with the slow pace, letting Natasha lead the kiss as she pressed her fingers more firmly into her hips to tug her closer. Natasha slowly ended the kiss, giving a final press of her lips to Maria’s nose and then drawing back with her hands still framing Maria’s face.

 “What’s going on in there,” Natasha asked with a concerned gaze, gently tapping her index finger against the side of Maria’s temple.

 Maria met her eyes with a shy expression, almost looking embarrassed and then glanced back over her shoulder to watch the rain roll down the glass. Natasha followed her gaze and searched the city below, looking for anything that could have caught Maria’s attention or could possibly be a threat. There was nothing in sight, only the soft sounds of droplets hitting the widow.

 “The rain,” Maria mumbled, her voice hoarse from the lack of sleep.

 Maria turned back to Natasha and dropped her head to rest against her chest, taking comfort in hearing the steady rhythm of Natasha’s heartbeat. Natasha cradled her head against her chest and leaned down to press a chaste kiss on the top of her head.

 Her eyebrows furrowed at the statement and she thought for a long moment, trying to understand why Maria was up at this hour depriving herself of sleep to watch the rain. It rained all the time here, it wasn’t like this was something extortionary or interesting.

 “What about the rain,” Natasha murmured into her hair confused.

 Maria huffed into her chest and moved to nuzzled into her warm neck, pressing her lips to Natasha’s neck briefly before pulling her snug against her front. Natasha willingly moved further into her space, pulling her hands away to reposition them to wrap around Maria’s middle again.

 “I haven’t been in the rain in so long,” Maria finally breathed out.

 The way she said it hidden in Natasha’s neck made her appear so small, embarrassed for no reason at all. Natasha guided her hands lovingly up and down Maria’s back as she finally understood, her heart aching in a newly hurt way. She held Maria in her arms for a while, calming the woman against her before she came up with an idea. She pulled back out of Maria’s grip, startling her and causing Maria to let out an upset whine.

 A huge grin snuck onto Natasha’s face as she silently grasped Maria’s hand and turned around, pulling her towards their bedroom quickly.

 “What- Nat what are you doing…” Maria weakly protested as she was dragged through the apartment.

 “Throw on some pants and grab your jacket, just trust me ok?” Natasha said with a soft smile as she slipped into the closet to dress herself as well.

 Maria watched her girlfriend with a curious and confused look for a minute, before deciding to listen to her and slip on some joggers and pull a baggy hoodie over her t-shirt. Natasha emerged from the closet clad in black pants and a rain jacket and sauntered over to Maria to pull a black beanie over her messy short hair. She placed her hands over Maria’s shoulders, squeezed gently and grinned at her happily.

 “Ready,” she asked, her eyes beaming with unexplainable excitement.

 “Ready for what?” Maria asked with wide eyes.

 Of course she had the right to be a little hesitant of whatever Natasha was planning to do. The woman tended to be sporadic at times and Maria had dealt with her fair share of poor planned disasters on Natasha’s part.

 “We’re going to go out in the rain,” she stated firmly, then grasped Maria’s hand in hers and turned around, pulling her all the way to the front door.

 She was speechless as she trailed behind Natasha, her head reeling at the sudden unplanned adventure into the darkness of the night. She tightened her grip on Natasha’s hand as she opened their apartment door and pulled Maria into the hallway outside.

 Maria glanced around nervously, her eyes tracking around the floor and searching the hallway automatically. She kept herself on high alert as Natasha pulled her quickly down the narrow hallway towards the elevators. She only let herself relax once they were inside the elevator and on a slow and steady lift up to the roof.

 “Are you sure we can get onto the roof? I’m sure it’s all locked up,” Maria rasped while turning to Natasha still very much hesitant about leaving her apartment to go outside at such an absurd time.

 Natasha flashed her an amused smile and raised her eyebrow at her. Her eyes twinkled as she gazed at her adorable girlfriend in her adorable beanie hanging off her head.

 “I come up here a lot actually, I picked the lock ages ago. It’s my secret place when I need to be alone, and now I want it to be our secret place.”

 Maria watched as Natasha’s face softened, her emotions presented for her to read freely. For Natasha to allow her this, she has put all her trust in her.

 Maria smiled at her so heartfelt and loving her whole body felt warm inside.

 “Thank you,” was simply all she could manage as she reached out to lace her fingers through Natasha’s.

 When they arrived on the top floor, they had to climb one more flight of stairs and then they were standing right in front of the door that lead outside. Maria gripped her hand tighter and took a slow deep breath the calm her nerves.

 “Are you ready?”

 Maria glanced up to the woman she adored and gave her a small smile.

 “Always with you.”

 And with those last words, Natasha pushed open the door and pulled Maria out into the rain alongside her.

 Maria’s breath caught as she stood there, and she gazed out into the quiet darkness around them. It felt nostalgic to her. The rain hitting her face as she looked up into the cloudy sky caused a sorrowful smile to cover her expression. she clutched harder onto Natasha’s hand as her senses became overwhelmed with joy and sadness all at once. she reached up and pulled the beanie off her head, letting it drop carelessly to the ground to let the rain hit her face fully. She stepped out further and wandered slowly to the middle of the roof, letting the rain coat her body and wake up a feeling inside her she had long since locked away.

  _Hope_. That maybe is can get better, that maybe she won’t always feel the way she does now.  

 When tears started to slide down her rosy cheeks and mix with the rain, she wasn’t sure if was from the adrenalin running through her veins or the despair she felt deep inside. She brought her hand up to her mouth and let out a muffled sob as she clenched her eyes shut. Her chest heaved as she finally let out some of the emotions she had refused to deal with. She stood there in the rain, clutching onto a safe hand and sobbing into the dead of the night as rain washed away her so carefully kept facade.  

 Natasha gently wrapped her into a tight embrace as her body shook with sobs and the much-needed release of whole-hearted sadness. The rain suddenly picked up, pouring over top of the lovers who desperately clutched at each other in attempt to keep one another whole. To stop each other from crumbling and giving into everything life has put then through.

 “It’s ok baby, I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” she murmured into Maria’s soaked hair as tears of her own slipped down her face.

 Maria’s body continued to jerk with sobs and gasps for air as Natasha brought one hand up to tangle in Maria’s dripping hair.

 “I’ll always have you Masha,” she murmured before pressing her lips to her forehead and guiding Maria’s head to lay on her chest.

 Maria just gripped her tighter, holding onto her like she was the only thing that could save her.

 Maybe she was.

 “Always.”         

 


End file.
